The white man’s Thing- A Big One.

I remember being proud when India sent a satellite to Mars. Other Countries were impressed by how cheaply we had done it. I listened keenly when there was a discussion about this in BBC. After a cursory pat on the back for Indians, the bleached self-satisfied smirker of an ‘expert’ started to denigrate this remarkable feat, as the ‘’Indian satellite was a midget.”!!!

It was a small one, he re-iterated, and the discussion veered off into the ‘tactic’ of sending ‘lemon sized’ balls of metal into space and calling them satellites.

I really admire the European scientific heritage and the liberal blah and all that. Do not read me the wrong way. But I understand that there is a persistent undercurrent of paternalistic put-downism from the ‘western’ end of things.

Just look at a snippet from the super successful book ‘superfreakanomics’. It is asserted that an Indian man’s penis is small! I went to their website, and found that they have re-emphasized this ‘fact’ with ‘studies’ and have even provided a graph of penis sizes. It is true, apparently. We trail behind most countries shown, and the only country that has a smaller thing than ours is South Korea.

The same website quotes a paper from the University of Helsinki, which states that ‘the average size of a man’s penis is linked to a country’s GDP.’

No. I kid you not. It seems that there is an inverted ‘u’ shaped relationship between penis size and GDP. The correlation is even stronger than that between political systems and GDP! As the average penis size increases, the GDP surges, as if charged by a dose of Sunny Leone, but at the crucial size of around 13.5 centimetres, it loses steam and droops, in a smooth inverted u-shaped curve.


It seems that the situation is the classic correlation-causation conundrum. The Helsinkian and superfreakanomikian white-big-thing triumphalists have it wrong. The humble Indian- that is me- can offer a counter explanation.

The first part of the inverted ‘U’ is easy. It is not the penis size that increases the GDP. It is not the tail that is wagging the dog. As the GDP increases, people have more to eat. When they are well fed, they grow taller, fatter and their thing, aka penis grows longer and girthier.

And that is why the white man has a bigger thing than an Indian. And why do we have a smaller GDP per capita than the ‘western” world?

That is because the Europeans have systematically looted the rest of the world for over 500 years, what else. So, I regret to inform you Europeans that regarding the smaller Indian thing- You are responsible. And maybe Nehru, but that is a different story.

And another thing. You guys does not seem to have made good use of your bigger thing, collectively. Ours maybe smaller, but if we put the Indian things end to end, it will go to the moon and back, while if we put the European and American things end to end, it will not even reach the local Swiss alps. (The calculations will be accessible when the paper is published in ‘The Annals of The Economy of Organ Sizes’). So, in a few decades, most of the world will be overrun with Indian things. And Chinese things, and African Things. (The graph provided by the superfreakanomics site omits African things, I suspect, deliberately, for obvious reasons).

And worse- with better food, the non-European things are going to become longer and larger and shapelier with time. Making the entire Great White Thing shrink (so to speak) greatly in course of time.

What about latter half of the inverted “U”? Why does after a point, as per the Helsinkian view, penis size decreases the GDP?

I have the answer. After a point, the increasing size of the male thing, takes up too much space. Resources are sucked into its engorging nastiness, and……

The brain shrinks.

I suspect that is what is happening in the world today. The entire western world is in the latter half of the inverted “U”. They watch with increasing rapture, the massive expansion of their melanin deficient Things, while the neurons inside the craniums are slowly but surely, giving up their ghosts.

(Note- This is not personal. The author has a substantial thing, enough to arouse awe in any BBC reporter, and has a brain that is amazingly unaffected by the same.)

  • Jimmy Mathew.

Dr Jimmy

I am a Doctor, Writer and Science Communicator. I am a member of Info- Clinic, and have written a few books. This site features my blog posts and stories. Thank you for visiting. ഞാൻ എഴുതാൻ ഇഷ്ടമുള്ള ഉള്ള ഒരു ഡോക്ടർ ആണ് . നിങ്ങളുടെ താത്പര്യത്തിന് നന്ദി .